It is well known that Islam allows a man to have a maximum of four wives at one time. This practice is known as polygyny or polygamy in the West and is often a cause of controversy and anger. People’s frustration towards polygamy is twofold; outsiders see it as an unfair advantage for a man over a woman, while internally, there is a lot of noise about it being practised incorrectly.
This article addresses the second issue; is polygamy practised incorrectly in the West? If so, what can be done to improve and produce models of true polygamy in the West?
Polygamy is Not the Problem
Western Muslim societies have a very negative perception of polygamy in general. It is seen as a fringe practice that should be avoided, and only a handful of people can manage it. This perception is not global. In many parts of Africa and Arabia, polygamy is the norm, and monogamy is the exception. The idea that polygamy must be a minority practice few men can manage is incorrect. In the right culture and environment, polygamous marriages can thrive and become the norm.
The problem is not with polygamy but with the imposition of Western ideas of marriage on Islamic culture. We will write a separate article on how Western understandings of marriage have messed up our understanding of nikah. It suffices to say that the Islamic concept of nikah differs significantly from the Western idea of marriage. This messes up perceptions of polygamy too.
Polygamy can work well in the right environment. The Western Muslim community has a lot of problems that make the practice of polygamy difficult and impractical.
Here are the 10 biggest obstacles that Western communities need to overcome for polygamous marriages to thrive.
1. Lack of Role Models
The average man in the West who attempts polygamy has no role models of a successful polygamous life. Growing up in a land where marriages are monogamous and where zina is tolerated more than polygamy, he has nobody to look up to to make polygamy work. Because of this, he goes into polygamy without any mentors, road map, or role models to lead him to success.
Polygamy is a challenging transition. You may not be prepared for many changes to one’s lifestyle and relationship dynamics. Without role models and mentors, failing and messing up becomes easier. The solution is that our generation needs to produce role models. Our generation needs to produce men who successfully lead multiple families so that the next generation has mentors they can look up to and take advice from. This is not an easy task because there are many other challenges in the way polygamy works today, like the following.
2. Lack of Support Structure
The structure of cultures and law in the West leans towards feminist interpretations of life, relationships, and marriage. This leaves no room for any support structures for polygamy. Polygamous families have no legal means to resolve disputes, and they have to keep second, third, and fourth marriages unregistered. This can create a lot of unnecessary problems down the line, especially if there are marital disputes or divorces.
Polygamists also lack social and communal support in the West. There are very few scholars and Imams in the West who are willing to show support for polygamy. Many Western imams prefer to avoid this topic altogether, whether due to fear of the law or backlash from female fans. This leaves polygamous families vulnerable without spiritual support from religious leadership. The lack of courage from these imams links directly to another problems.
3. The Masculinity Crisis
There is a serious masculinity crisis among Muslims in the West. We have discussed this in detail in the past. Men in the West are becoming more effeminate, weak, docile, and cowardly. This makes them unfit for leading families, even in a monogamous relationship. A man who cannot master leading a single family has no hope of leading multiple families. These weak-willed individuals then choose to practice polygamy in the most disastrous manner possible; secret marriages built on cowardice, lies, and inability to stand by their beliefs. A marriage built on such a weak foundation is bound to fail.
4. Reversal of Gender Roles
Linked to the masculinity crisis is the inversion of gender roles due to feminist influence. Feminism has deeply affected many Muslim families in the West to such an extent that traditional Islamic teachings about marriage seem foreign and extreme to them. The idea of a man leading the household is unheard of to many of these new-age couples. Without a manly leader, the woman tends to take up the leadership role in the marriage. This makes polygamy impossible for such a family.
Polygamy works because a man can lead multiple families at the same time, just like he can lead multiple businesses at the same time. However, if his wife is his boss, then it cannot work. A man cannot have multiple bosses at the same time. Polygamy is doomed to fail if a man is too weak to lead. For polygamy to work, traditional gender roles are necessary.
5. Not Having a Long-term Plan
Some men jump into polygamy due to being blinded by the beauty or charm of a woman. They do not think long-term about how they will make the relationship work, balance it with their other family, or even if it is best for their soul in the long run. It is an immediate, impulsive decision without proper planning.
Before jumping into polygamy, take time to plan it properly. Ensure that the pros outweigh the cons, you have a strategy for dealing with obstacles, and that you are committed to making it work in the long run. Do not rush into polygamy; plan ahead well and make sure you are ready for the challenges to come.
6. Making Important Decisions based on Immediate Biological Urges
Sex is an important part of life and marriage. It is definitely a motivational factor behind polygamy for many men. However, when it is the only motivational factor, problems will happen. If a man is only thinking short-term about immediate sexual gratification, he will not have the will or resiliency to make it work in the long run.
This links back to the previous point. Do not build a relationship around sex alone. It is important, but it is not everything. There are other factors you need to consider as well, like whether this relationship will enhance your life, if it will destroy what you already built, and if you can see this woman as the mother of your future children. Think long-term, and think beyond the bedroom if you are serious about making this work.
7. Lack of Vision
Many men lack a vision for their lives and families. A family without a vision will go whichever way the wind blows. A polygamous family without a vision is in danger of imploding at the slightest sign of resistance. Just as monogamy has its challenges, polygamy too produces a unique set of challenges. If you do not have a bigger picture that you are committed to, you may flake when the going gets tough.
Take time to craft your life vision carefully, then consider whether polygamy fits into it. If it is important to you, make it part of your vision and be ready to face every obstacle in the way of making it work. A vision helps you see what lies ahead beyond the immediate trials and backlash. This gives you the strength to do what is necessary to make your relationships work.
8. Inability to Deal with Female Emotions
A lot of men simply do not understand women at all. Their lack of understanding disadvantages them, especially when dealing with intense female emotions. Polygamy will unlock intense female emotions in every woman involved. If a man lacks the ability to lead, maintain a frame, control the situation, and gently guide all women involved back to the middle path, it will fall apart quickly.
Before jumping into a second relationship, learn how to make the first one work well. Figure out how to lead a family effectively, to remain in control even when dealing with intense emotions and drama, and how to avoid getting sucked into the drama yourself. If you can do this with one family, you may be able to do it with multiple. If you lose your mind any time a woman has an emotional outburst, you will not be able to handle living with two women.
9. Lack of Communication
Jumping into polygamy without explaining yourself well can cause havoc in your other relationships. To make it work, you need to take the time to explain your reasoning well to everyone you care about. This does not mean they have to agree or be 100% on board, but you owe them at least an explanation. Communication is key to making any relationship work, and if you are planning a huge change in your family dynamic, like starting another family, it is crucial to explain why to your current family.
Communication here is not limited to your first wife only. Take time to explain your decision to your children, parents, siblings, close friends and religious leaders. Ensure that there is no room for doubts about your character and intentions. Be clear, transparent, and open regarding why you believe this is an important step for you. This will go a long way to making it work.
10. Social Pressure
Social pressure is the main cause of polygamous marriages falling apart in the West. I have seen more marriages fall apart due to social pressure than anything else. In a gynocentric society, there is a strong pressure to ensure that polygamy remains taboo and fails every time. Everyone involved in polygamy is slandered, verbally abused, and boycotted until they give up and return to the status quo. This strategy has worked many times.
It takes a strong-willed man to lead his family through this, but I have seen many men do it. In all these cases, these men were committed to doing the right thing regardless of social pressure. They understood that the social drama would last just one or two years before people move on to the next controversy. And they were ready to push through that period and ignore the pressure to conform to societal norms. If you want to make polygamy work in a society like this, be prepared to face extreme pressure from society to give up and be prepared to fight through that pressure for your dreams.
Note: This is an anonymous post from a guest author and does not reflect the views of Izzah Academy.
Source: Izzah Academy
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