Manly Manners

By Shaykh Ismail Kamdar

Good Character forms the essence of Islamic masculinity. This can be seen throughout the Qur’an and Sunnah. The Qur’an praises the Prophet SAW as being on the highest level of character, and the Prophet SAW said that he was sent to perfect good character. Even when advising women who to marry, he advised them to choose the man with good character. 

Good character is necessary for both men and women, but different aspects are emphasized for each gender based on the struggles of their nafs, and their weaknesses. There is a stronger emphasis on women to cover more of their bodies, and to avoid gossip. There is also a strong emphasis on men to lower their gaze and speak gently to women. Each gender has own struggles that need highlighting and focus. 

This science in Islam is divided into two parts, Akhlāq and Adab. Akhlāq refers to our internal character like humility, sincerity, generosity, and love. Adab refers to our external actions, our manners and etiquette. Examples of Adab are shaking hands, thanking people, and generally being polite. In general, Akhlāq is considered more important than Adab, but both are important. The state of one’s heart is crucial, because it is easy to fake good manners, but good character cannot be faked.

The Akhlāq that is emphasized for men include the following core characteristics, generosity, compassion, humility, courage, tolerance, protection, independence, dignity, strong work ethic, and integrity.

Generosity

Most classical works on masculinity often list generosity (karam) as the primary quality of a real man. Karam can also be translated as honour or dignity. In classical Arab culture, and many cultures today, a man’s honour is tied directly to his generosity. A generous man is a honourable man, and a miserly man is dishonourable. Therefore, the word for honour and generosity are the same.

Islam places the role of primary breadwinner squarely on the man. A man is expected to work hard and provide for his family and those in need. To fulfil this role well, he needs to be generous. This generosity starts at home, in his treatment of his family. Various hadiths emphasize the importance of generosity towards the family. There is no point in a man earning well if he forces his family into unnecessary hardship. His dignity is tied to his generosity in this role. 

The generosity that is expected of men goes well beyond giving charity. Being charitable is the bare minimum that is expected from the Muslim man. He is also expected to genuinely care for others, enjoy spending on others, and to go out of his way to take care of others. 

In a purely Islamic environment, it is common to see men fight with each other to pay the bill as each wants to establish himself as the most generous of the group. In such environments too, it is common to find that the generous men are the ones who can make polygamy work. Their caring hearts and ability to spoil multiple people, allows them to maintain multiple homes successfully.

Society is built on the backs of generous men. Endowments are established mostly by such men. Masjids and schools are also funded by them. The orphans, widows, and destitute all find relief through them. They are the foundation of a strong society. Generosity is therefore the most important quality of manhood. 

The great sahaba competed in generosity. The famous story of Umar (RA) giving half his wealth in charity, only to learn that Abu Bakr (RA) had given his all is a prime example of this. Uthman (RA) can be considered an alpha role model of generosity. These great men set the standards that we aim for. 

The Prophet SAW was the most generous of all. He would literally give a shirt off his back to someone who asked for it. He gave so much that he often kept very little for himself. He put the entire ummah before himself, and showcased this manly quality on a level that no human can ever reach after him.

Compassion 

Compassion is the quality that Allah chose to describe his Prophet SAW with. “We only sent you as a Mercy to the universe.” (Quran 21:107)

Rahmah translates as mercy, compassion, and kindness. Two of Allah’s greatest names are derived from this root, Al-Rahman (Supremely Merciful) and Al-Raheem (Most Merciful). The concept of Rahmah is emphasized throughout the Qur’an and Sunnah, making compassion an essential quality for Muslims. 

Rahmah, however, comes more naturally to women. Allah created women with a gentler compassionate nature. With this nature, women thrive as mothers, teachers, counsellors, nurses, and caretakers. Their natural compassion guides them to excel in these fields.

Men are more harsh and vulgar by nature. The need to provide, survive, and protect can create a shell of hardness that they too often bring home, which harms their relationships. To counter this, Islam emphasizes compassion as a quality that men must learn to become real men. 

Once a companion was inciting the horses to run faster through his war songs. This caused the horses of some women to start galloping too fast. The Prophet SAW told his companion, “Be careful with the fragile vessels.” This was an important lessons to men to be gentle and compassionate when dealing with women.

Humility 

Arrogance and pride are frowned upon in Islam as major sins. Yet the male nafs is inclined towards arrogance. All the famous examples of arrogant people were male; Pharaoh, Nimrod, Abu Jahl, and Abu Lahab to name a few. Arrogance can come too easily to the male soul, especially when he is in a position of power. To counter this, Islam emphasizes humility as a core characteristic of the Muslim man. 

A righteous man is humble in his nature. He walks on the earth gently and does not think he is better than others. He knows his own faults, and this keeps him humble. He knows that success is from Allah alone. This too keeps him humble. His humility can be seen in his relationships. No matter how successful or famous he grows, he remains grounded and does not think highly of himself. This humility makes him beloved to all people. Nothing wins over the hearts of mankind more than a man who conquers arrogance when he can easily give in to it.

Courage 

Courage is the one quality we all associate most with manliness, and it is an essential quality in Islam. This quality is so important that we will devote an entire chapter to it later in this book. Courage is essential to manhood in every culture. It is the quality of heroes, warriors, and leaders.

A Muslim man needs courage to lead his family, chase his goals, stand firmly for his religion, and especially for difficult situations in which he has to defend his family or religion. The first generation of Muslims featured dozens of amazing examples of courage. The Prophet SAW himself was the most courageous man to ever live. 

At the Battle of Hunayn, the Muslims were ambushed by archers and began to scatter as arrows rained down upon them. The Prophet SAW stood firmly and rallied his troops. Inspired by his unwavering courage, the Muslims regrouped around him and were able to turn the tide in their favour. They won the battle, and a perfect example of prophetic courage was established. 

Protector 

Men are physically designed to be protectors. Throughout history, society relied on their men to defend and protect their communities. It has always been considered a manly quality to be able to protect one’s family, friends, and property. Being a protector means more than just courage. It means being calm under stress, strong during times of weakness, and being steadfast when others waver.

A protector is defined by the people around him. If a man’s family feel safe when he is around, then he is a protector. He has achieved a core quality of masculinity that will benefit his family and society in many ways. Men must raise their standards and develop both the physical and mental qualities needed to protect their families.

Tolerance

A man will have to deal with all kinds of people. As he goes out into the world to provide for his family, he will face various personality types and belief systems. It is essential that he learns how to coexist with others and thrive in a diverse environment.

Tolerance does not mean that you approve of the other person’s beliefs or attitude. It means that you are mature enough to work with people even when you strongly disagree with them. This quality is lacking in many young men and women today.

On social media, people try to force their understanding of the world on others. They are very intolerant to other ideas and cannot fathom the idea of coexistence. In their intolerance, they grow bitter, hateful, and obsessed with refuting others. Any benefit they bring to the world is eclipsed by their hatred and obsession natures. 

The Prophet SAW brought the message of Islam to a nation that could not tolerate it. Yet he remained tolerant to their disbelief and always called them to Islam with wisdom and gentle preaching. He treated them so well, that even at the height of their enmity for him, they still trusted him to take care of their property because they knew he was just and trustworthy. 

Islam brought a new level of tolerance to the world. Before Islam, people could not fathom the idea of sharing this world with people of other faiths. Christians routinely oppressed Jews, and religious wars were the norm. Islam established a civilization in which all religions. Islam was the dominant religion, the true religion that led by example. But in the Islamic world, Jews and Christians learned to coexist, and through that coexistence, their societies thrived as well.

For a man to succeed in the modern world, he must be mature about differences. We believe that Islam is the true religion and the best way of life for mankind. However, we also acknowledge that other people believe otherwise. We will preach Islam to them with wisdom and gentleness but won’t allow our different beliefs to affect productivity. A mature man will work well with others. He will not compromise his beliefs, but he is mature enough to understand that others believe something else, and all he can do is call them to the truth and treat them with kindness. When a man attains this level of tolerance, he has gained another characteristic of a true man.

Independence

Islam places a strong emphasis on striving for financial independence. While Islam does not necessarily encourage having excessive wealth, it does not glorify poverty either. Islamic scripture clearly calls on men to work hard and earn an honest living, striving for financial freedom. The following narration summarized the Islamic emphasis on men working hard to support their families.

Anas ibn Malik reported: A man from the Ansar came to the Prophet SAW and begged from him. The Prophet SAW said, “Have you nothing in your house?” The man said, “Yes, a piece of cloth, a part of which we wear and a part of which we spread on the ground, and a wooden bowl from which we drink water.” The Prophet SAW said, “Bring them to me.” The man brought these articles to him and the Prophet SAW took them in his hands and he said, “Who will buy these?” Someone said, “I will buy them for one coin.” The Prophet SAW said twice or thrice, “Who will offer more than one coin?” Someone said, “I will buy them for two coins.” He sold them for two coins and the Prophet SAW said, “Buy food with one of them and give it to your family. Buy an axe and bring it to me.” The man brought it to him. 

The Prophet SAW fixed a handle on it with his own hands and he said, “Go gather firewood and sell it, and do not let me see you for a fortnight.” The man went away and gathered firewood and sold it. When he had earned ten coins, he came and bought a garment and food. The Prophet ﷺ said, “This is better for you than for begging to come as a blemish on your face on the Day of Resurrection. Begging is only appropriate for three people: one in grinding poverty, one in serious debt, and one who must pay a difficult compensation.” (Abu Dawud 1641, Grade: Sahih)

In this narration, we learn that the Prophet SAW did not encourage poverty and begging. Instead, he motivated his companions to work hard and earn an honest living. He taught us that even a small amount earned through hard work in more beloved to Allah than a lot gained through asking others. 

A Muslim man needs to commit to a life of hard work and great aspirations. He must work to build himself up financially so that he can provide well for his family, support others, and uplift society. When a righteous man has blessed wealth, it benefits not only him, but the entire Muslim world.

Strong Work Ethic

Financial independence cannot come from laziness. A strong work ethic is another important quality we derive from the above hadith. A Muslim man must work hard and be known as a hard worker. It is considered disgraceful for a Muslim man to be known as lazy and unreliable. These are qualities that cause people to lose respect for him and avoid him.

A strong work ethic means many things. It means setting high goals, having a strong vision, waking up early, working harder and longer than everyone else, and going beyond what is required from you in your work. It means showing up, bringing 100% every single time, and being reliable and dependable in your work. 

A Muslim man must strive to build a strong work ethic. This begins at a young age in how he approaches his studies. By working hard at learning and gaining beneficial skills, a young man can build a strong foundation to build upon and develop a strong work ethic from a young age.

Integrity

A Muslim man must have integrity. Dishonesty and untrustworthiness are considered traits of hypocrites in Islam. Their opposite, therefore, is a core characteristic of a believer. In business, family life, religious activities, and everything else, a Muslim man must display the highest level of integrity. 

The Prophet SAW even before Islam was known as Al-Ameen (The Trustworthy). This was his defining characteristic that caused society to love, people to follow him, and even his wife to want to marry him. Humanity is attracted to men of integrity. We want them to lead us and trust them to show us the way to a better life. To become a real man, we must live a love of complete integrity. 

Dignity 

When you analyse the life of any great Muslim man in history, you will find consistently that he was a man of honour and dignity. A dignified man is a man that society looks up to and respects. It summarizes all other good characteristics as all these traits build up to dignity. There can be no dignity without integrity, a strong work ethic or generosity. These traits are all connected, and dignity is the result of working on improving oneself in all these areas.

Dignity includes many things. A dignified man carries himself with the best of manners. He dresses well, speaks well, and is polite and refined in speech. He avoids vulgar language and violent behaviour. A dignified man is chaste and limits his sexual partners to that which Allah has made halal. He lowers his gaze, treats women with respect, and avoids sources of doubt and temptation. 

To live a life of dignity is to live a life that is pleasing to Allah. It means to be a role model of the character, manners, and power of Islam. When a man is dignified, entire nations stand in awe of him, the way entire nations were in awe of Umar Ibn al-Khattab (RA) when he was the caliph of this ummah. 

The dignity and honour of Islam can be summarized in this beautiful statement of Umar Ibn al-Khattab (RA), “Verily, we were a disgraceful people and Allah honoured us with Islam. If we seek honour from anything besides that with which Allah honoured us, Allah will disgrace us.” (al-Mustadrak ‘alá al-Ṣaḥīḥayn 207 Grade: Sahih)

About the Author: Shaykh Ismail Kamdar is an expert in Fiqh, Tafsir, History, Personal Development, and Education.