We live in a time in which marriage is slowly becoming a pale shadow of what it once was. The hedonistic, ego-centric culture that we live in is very anti-marriage. Divorce rates are at the highest they have ever been in history, and many young people are choosing to avoid marriage altogether. This may seem fun and exciting on the surface, but it will have long-term negative consequences for society as a whole.
Marriage is a central institution of human existence. It has been a tradition since the beginning of the human race when Adam married Eve. It has been a fundamental part of the life of the majority of great men and women throughout history. Through marriage, we preserve our honor and dignity, build a loving home, ensure the continuation of our lineage, and build a strong support system for ourselves. Marriage is the foundation of the family, and without strong familial ties, society itself is endangered.
Marriage, when done right, is one of the most powerful sources of motivation, support, encouragement, and productivity on earth. A loving spouse and children are all a person needs to truly motivate them to work at a higher level and achieve greater goals. Marriage is one of the greatest gifts that God has given to humans. When done right, it is the greatest source of peace and happiness in our lives. The key to a successful marriage is to become the kind of person that is worth marrying, then to marry someone with similar aspirations.
Qualities of a Great Spouse
Too often, we focus on searching for the perfect spouse without realising that we need to be what we seek. Like attracts like. Therefore, in order to attract a great spouse, we must become great spouse-material ourselves. There is no agreed-upon definition of what a great spouse is, and the criteria will differ from person to person.
Nonetheless, the following qualities always help make a marriage stronger, so we can look at them as some of the universally-accepted qualities of a great spouse.
1. Kindness
Marriage is a lifelong contract. During that lifetime, there are going to be disagreements, bad moods, stressful events, and human failings. Kindness and forgiveness go a long way in making a marriage last a lifetime. This only works though if both spouses are kind. If one side is kind and the other takes advantage of that, this becomes a form of abuse and will destroy the marriage.
Kindness is necessary for every relationship. Without it, a relationship will break down, and animosity will rise. Kindness is even more important for marriage, as marriage is one of the most essential relationships in human life. Children learn from how their parents interact with each other. When parents are kind, children mirror that. Likewise, when parents are rough, the children become the same.
Prophet Muhammad (s) said, “Allah is kind, and He loves kindness in all matters.”1 He also said, “Allah is gentle, and He loves gentleness, and He rewards for gentleness what is not granted for harshness, and He does not reward anything else like it.”2 In another narration, he said, “He who is deprived of kindness is deprived of goodness.”3
There are many other narrations in the books of hadith that emphasize kindness as the basis of all our relationships. This is one of the fundamental teachings of Islam.
2. Similar Goals
People grow and change over time. If two spouses have different goals in life, they may grow in opposite directions and eventually become incompatible. This will make it a lot harder to maintain the marriage.
However, if they have similar goals, then they will grow and change in similar directions and are more likely to grow even closer to each other over time. Having similar goals in life is a key feature of a happy marriage.
Even as spouses grow older and their goals change, if they spend a lot of time together, those changes will be mutual, and they will grow together. There are many successful couples out there who started with a few things in common, and over time they grew to be in sync on almost all major issues. This is part of the beauty of truly living together.
3. Compatibility
People have different personalities, cultures, and traditions. No two people are exactly alike, but the more they have in common, the easier it is to make the marriage work. Ideally, spouses should have enough in common to be able to enjoy each other’s company and find things that they can do together. If there is no compatibility at all, then making the marriage work can be a struggle.
The specifics of compatibility are difficult to identify in a book because it depends on the local culture. Every community has their own ideas of what makes one person compatible with another. In some countries, compatibility involves social status or economic class. Other cultures focus on lineage and tribal issues. And in some, it boils down to values and hobbies.
Every family needs to have honest discussions on what matters to them and what factors are essential for making two people compatible for marriage.
However, one area in which compatibility is crucial is theology. People from different theological backgrounds will find it very difficult to live together unless they are willing to compromise or sacrifice their religious beliefs. They will have an even harder time agreeing on how to raise their children and what theology, if any, their children should be taught.
This isn’t limited to differences between religions. Even in Islam, a marriage between a Salafī and a Sufi can lead to a lot of complications, especially in raising children. Likewise, a marriage between a Sunni and Shiʿi can cause a lot of compatibility issues. Before marrying someone, it is important to first learn whether your beliefs and understanding of your religion are compatible with the religious beliefs and understandings of the other person.
4. Commitment
Marriage is for life. Yes, in worst-case scenarios divorce is better than marriage, but nobody should get married with the intention of getting divorced. If two people choose to commit to marriage from the onset, it has a far stronger chance of working out.
Marriage is hard, and there are many obstacles that will pop up during one’s lifetime that will test one’s marriage. During these times, it is essential that both spouses remain committed to each other and not allow the trials of life to tear the marriage apart. Couples that get through difficult times together emerge stronger and more in love than ever before. In this way, the tests of life help us to build stronger relationships.
Just like any other goal in life, marriage requires commitment, hard work, and teamwork. If a man and a woman are committed to working hard together at making their marriage successful, then it will last and will blossom over time into something beautiful.
5. Forgiveness
Living with another person for the rest of your life means that disputes will arise and errors in judgement or choice will be made. You and your spouse are both human and so mistakes are inevitable. When someone errs and seeks forgiveness, forgive them. After all, this is what we want for ourselves from God, His Forgiveness.
This does not mean we should condone abuse, mistreatment, or evil habits. Rather, in all these situations we should work to rectify the situation. If that isn’t possible, then divorce is better than a marriage that makes someone miserable.
There is a difference between a spouse who is trying his/her best, yet slips up as a human, and a spouse who doesn’t care and purposely makes life difficult. The first deserves forgiveness, the second needs to be let go of. There is no shame in divorce, especially if it leads to a greater good or removes harm.
A Happy Family
An important key for productivity, happiness, and success is to have a happy family. There is rarely anything that can motivate a person more than a loving and supportive family. Families drive people to become the best versions of themselves so that they can provide the best possible life for their families.
In our individualistic culture, the importance of spouses and children is often diminished. We see a lower rate of marriage and child-birth, accompanied by a rise in depression, addiction, and suicide. These occurrences are not coincidences. Humans are by nature familial creatures. We were created to live in families and to continue our lineage through families. Without a family, humans are often lost, vulnerable, and easily misguided.
Successful people understand the importance of family. They understand the importance of caring for elders, especially parents. And they understand the importance of being a great spouse, having a great spouse, and being a great parent. When one has a strong family support system, achieving one’s goals is so much easier.
Source: Extract from Productivity Principles of Umar II
Source: Izzah Academy
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