There is much debate in modernity regarding gender, gender roles, and gender excellence. The question “what separates a boy from a man” is asked a lot and the answers vary depending on worldview. In recent times, there has been a push towards portraying true manliness as rough, vulgar, harsh, and arrogant. These traits, which directly contradict the prophetic teachings, are portrayed as traits of real men by a new generation of masculinity coaches.
The Islamic definition of masculinity is far from this. A Muslim man takes the Prophet as his ideal role model, the ideals he strives for then are embodied in the prophetic way. This prophetic way includes a strong emphasis on manners and character as fundamentals of true manliness.
A Note on Gender Traits in Islam
Before we discuss the traits that are essential to masculinity, I want to clear up a common misunderstanding regarding the concepts of masculinity and femininity in Islam. Some people may assume that when we say men must have a certain quality, or women should have a certain quality, that we are excluding the other gender completely.
For example, if we were to say that manliness is about courage. Someone might reply that women also have to be brave. Likewise, if we state that modesty is essential to femininity, someone might reply that men also must be modest. The confusion arises from a misunderstanding that masculine and feminine traits are exclusive to that specific gender. In reality, very few traits are exclusive to either gender.
The qualities needed for men to excel in their roles can be found in women, and vice versa. The focus then is on emphasizing qualities that are required to fulfill the social roles of each gender. Generosity, for example, is a virtue for both genders. Yet historically it is emphasized as a sign of true manliness because men require generosity to excel at their roles as providers.
Likewise, both men and women should be loving and compassionate, yet compassion is emphasized in femininity discourse because it is an essential trait for excelling at motherhood. The traits discussed in this article do apply to both genders, but they are discussed within the context of men succeeding at their role in the family and community.
The Qawwam Model of Masculinity
While men and women share the responsibility of living a life that is pleasing to Allah, they serve different roles within the family unit, and society as a whole. A man’s primary role is referred to in the Qur’an as that of the qawwam.
Men are the qawwam of women, as God has given some of them an advantage over others, and because they spend out of their wealth. (Qur’an 4:34)
The Qawwam role means that he is the head of the household. As the head of the household, he is expected to lead, provide, and protect all members of the household. In classic Islamic training, a boy’s education revolved around preparing him to be a qawwam. This meant equipping him with all the characteristics of a true leader, provider, and protector.
To excel at these three roles, a variety of traits and skills are needed. A true leader requires vision, integrity, and good character. To provide, he needs a way to earn a halal income, and a generous heart. Finally, to protect his family, he requires courage and fighting skills. All three areas are catered for in classical Islamic education.
The modern education system focuses only on the career aspect of education, leaving men unprepared to lead or protect. One could argue that this is done on purpose to emasculate men and make them subservient to the state but that is a discussion for another time.
Classical works on masculinity highlight Good Character as essential to manliness. For a boy to become a man, he must refine his rough edges and learn how to interact with others in a polite manner. A lot of emphasis was placed on character study in early Islam leading to famous quotes like “The righteous predecessors would seek manners first, then seek knowledge”. (Ghāyat al-Nihāyah 1:446)
This is further emphasized in the hadith when the Prophet advised women and their guardians to seek out two primary qualities in suitors, piety and good character.
Abu Huraira reported that the Messenger of Allah SWT said, “If someone proposes marriage to you whose religion and character satisfies you, then you should accept it. If you do not do so, there will be trials on the earth and the spread of corruption.” (Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1084)
Piety is essential to his relationship with Allah. Good character is essential to his role as qawwam. The emphasis on Good Character in men is based on this, and similar, narrations.
Character and Manners as Fundamental to Masculinity
A real man is refined in his character and manners. He has overcome the rough edges of youth and developed into a gentleman. His character and manners are his reputation. He succeeds at life, work, and faith by being a man of outstanding and impeccable character.
Umar Ibn al-Khattab (RA) said, “The essence of a man is his intellect, his honor is his religion, and his manhood is his character.” (Adab al-Dunyā wal-Dīn 1/17)
In the above narration, Caliph Umar (RA) emphasizes three areas in which every man must strive for success. To achieve success, a man needs to develop his intellect, practice the religion, and improve his character. Note that Umar (RA) linked manliness to good character, this is a common theme in many classical quotes on masculinity. Imam al-Shafi’i (RA) stated something similar.
Imam Al-Shafi’i (RA) said, “Manhood is based upon four pillars: good character, generosity, humility, and piety.” (al-Sunan al-Kubrá 19165)
In this quotation, Imam al-Shafi’i summarizes the essentials of true masculinity in four traits. A man is judged by his commitment to the religion, his generosity, his humility, and his character. Generosity and humility are both part of good character but are emphasized separately due to their importance. A man cannot excel at providing without generosity, and he cannot lead well without humility. We can also derive from this quotation that miserliness and arrogance are the opposite of true masculinity.
True manliness is measured by character. This is why al-Fudayl Ibn Iyad (RA) said, “Whoever has a deficiency in his character has a deficiency in his religion, his reputation, and his manhood.” (Ibn ’Asākir 48:414)
Key Traits that Every Man Should Have
Good character in Islam includes many important traits. The following are critical for young men to fulfill their potential and play their roles in society well. This list is not exhaustive, I have focused on six traits that I consider priorities but there are many others that we need to study and apply as well.
1. Integrity
Integrity is defined as the quality of having strong moral principles that you refuse to compromise on. This is essential for true Islamic masculinity. Every man will be tested and tempted to break his moral code, and a true believing man remains firm and committed to his faith, family, and community. Compromising one’s integrity is the easiest way to lose one’s standing in the community, and one’s trust is broken, it is very difficult to rebuild it.
Dishonesty and untrustworthiness are considered traits of hypocrites in Islam. Their opposite, therefore, is a core characteristic of a believer. In business, family life, religious activities, and everything else, a Muslim man must display the highest level of integrity.
Allah describes the integrity of real men and their commitment to the faith in Surah al-Nur as follows:
“Men who neither trading nor commerce distracts them from remembering Allah, and from performing the prayers, and from giving charity. They fear a Day when hearts and sights are overturned.” (Qur’an 24:37)
2. Sincerity
Sincerity is a central part of Islamic character for both men and women. We cannot talk about character without talking about sincerity. Sincerity in Islam has many levels. Primarily it means doing our good deeds solely for the pleasure of Allah. But we are also required to be sincere in our interactions with each other by desiring good for each other, advising each other, and being trustworthy.
The Prophet SAW said, “The religion is sincerity…To Allah, His Book, His Messenger, the leaders of the Muslims, and their common people.” (Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 55)
3. Generosity
Generosity is central to masculinity in Islam. This is directly related to a man’s role as a provider to his family and community. A miser is of no use to his family or his community, as his wealth benefits nobody and simply piles up as wasted resources. Real men have generous hearts. Their profits benefit their families and uplift their communities. They bring genuine value to society through their generosity and charity. Classical works on masculinity tend to focus on generosity as a primary and necessary trait for every Muslim man.
The Prophet SAW said, “Verily, Allah Almighty is Generous, and He loves generosity. He loves excellent character, and He detests bad character.” (Ḥilyat al-Awliyā’ 5:28, Grade: Sahih)
Al-Shafi’i (RA) said, “Manhood is based upon four pillars: good character, generosity, humility, and piety.” (al-Sunan al-Kubrá 19165)
Society is built on the backs of generous men. Endowments are established mostly by such men. Masjids and schools are also funded by them. The orphans, widows, and destitute all find relief through them. They are the foundation of a strong society. Generosity is therefore the most important quality of manhood.
4. Humility
The quote above by Imam al-Shafi’I (RA) mentions generosity and humility separately from good character as core traits of masculinity. This is because these two qualities are the most important characteristics of a Muslim man. Humility is necessary for entering Paradise and earning Allah’s Mercy.
The Prophet SAW said, “No one who has the weight of a seed of arrogance in his heart will enter Paradise.” A man said, “But a man likes to have nice clothes and nice shoes.” The Prophet said, “Verily, Allah is beautiful, and He loves beauty. Arrogance is to disregard the truth and to look down upon people.” (Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 91)
Men, by our nature, have big egos and part of our continuous spiritual development is to keep these egos in check and humble ourselves. Real men may accomplish amazing things, but they remain humble, knowing that all success is from Allah. They work hard to avoid both arrogance and self-amazement, knowing the destructive effects these traits have on the soul. Many great men have fallen from greatness due to arrogance and self-amazement.
The Prophet SAW said, “Were you not to sin, I would fear for you what is even worse: self-amazement.” (Musnad al-Bazzār 6936)
A righteous man is humble in his nature. He walks on the earth gently and does not think he is better than others. He knows his own faults, and this keeps him humble. He knows that success is from Allah alone. This too keeps him humble. His humility can be seen in his relationships. No matter how successful or famous he grows, he remains grounded and does not think highly of himself. This humility makes him beloved to all people. Nothing wins over the hearts of mankind more than a man who conquers arrogance when he can easily give in to it.
5. Courage
A primary role of men in a Muslim society is to protect the community. Military service becomes necessary when one’s locality is under attack. Even on a family level, protection is the duty of the man of the house. To fulfill this important duty, men must learn self-defense and be courageous enough to act when necessary.
A man without courage will fail at this critical task, leaving the rest of society vulnerable and open to assault. We can build courage by stepping outside our comfort zones, doing tasks that scare us, and mentally preparing for potential scenarios that could happen in the future. Courage does not mean seeking out danger, it simply means mentally prepared to deal with potential danger.
The Prophet SAW said, “Do not wish to meet the enemy, but if you meet them, be resilient.” (Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 2863)
A Muslim man needs courage to lead his family, chase his goals, stand firmly for his religion, and especially for difficult situations in which he has to defend his family or religion. The first generation of Muslims featured dozens of amazing examples of courage. The Prophet SAW himself was the most courageous man to ever live.
The Qur’an and Sunnah are full of extraordinary examples of courage, including Moses facing the tyrannical Pharaoh, and David defeating Goliath. The story of David and Goliath especially gives us a beautiful example of how to remain courageous during difficult times.
When Saul set out with the troops, he said, “God will be testing you with a river. Whoever drinks from it does not belong with me. But whoever does not drink from it, does belong with me, except for whoever scoops up a little with his hand.” But they drank from it, except for a few of them. Then, when he crossed it, he and those who believed with him said, “We have no strength to face Goliath and his troops today.” But those who knew that they would meet God said, “How many times has a small group defeated a large group by God’s will? God is with the steadfast.”
And when they confronted Goliath and his troops, they said, “Our Lord, pour down patience on us, and strengthen our foothold, and support us against the faithless people.”
And they defeated them by God’s leave, and David killed Goliath, and God gave him sovereignty and wisdom, and taught him as He willed. Were it not for God restraining the people, some by means of others, the earth would have gone to ruin. But God is gracious towards mankind. (Qur’an 2:249-251)
6. Honesty
Honesty and Transparency are hallmarks of dignity and honor in Islam. A real man has a high level of integrity. People trust him, and he is known to fulfill his trust. The Prophet SAW said, “Whoever is pleased to love Allah and His Messenger, or to be loved by Allah and His Messenger, let him be truthful when he speaks, let him fulfill the trust to whom it is due, and let him treat well anyone who would be his neighbor.” (Shu’ab al-Imān lil-Bayhaqī 1533)
Just as honesty and trustworthiness are qualities of the true believer. Their opposites, dishonesty and treachery, are qualities of hypocrites. The Prophet SAW said, “Among the signs of a hypocrite are three, even if he fasts and prays and claims to be a Muslim: when he speaks, he lies, when he gives a promise he breaks it, and when he is trusted he betrays.” (Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 33, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 59)
Honesty is essential to masculinity in Islam. A woman trusts her husband to earn halal sustenance and provide for the family, and to protect them and keep them safe. Children trust their fathers for the same. Communities need trustworthy men to lead their projects, masjids, and organizations. If men lack trustworthiness, they become valueless to their families and society. This is why Umar Ibn al-Khattab (RA) explicitly linked trustworthiness to masculinity.
Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA) said, “Do not let yourselves be impressed by the roar of a man. Rather, if he fulfills promises and restrains himself from harming the honor of people, he will truly be a man.” (al-Zuhd wal-Raqā’iq 681)
The Necessity of Character Excellence
Good character transforms boys into men. To raise good men, our parenting methods and education curriculums must emphasize good character, especially the traits listed above. The ummah is in dire need of men who can lead, provide, and protect with integrity, sincerity, generosity, humility, courage and honesty. These qualities turn men into high quality husbands, great fathers, and amazing community leaders. To revive the ummah, we need good leaders. To raise good leaders, we must raise our boys to become men of impeccable character and honor.
Source: Izzah Academy
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