The Role of Fathers in the Home

Gender Roles in the Home

Men and women have different roles in the family in Islam. This is often discussed in light of the roles of the husband and wife, but it applies to parenting as well. Although the bulk of parenting falls on mothers, which is why they have a higher status, men still play a very important role in the family.

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, as God has given some of them an advantage over others, and because they spend out of their wealth.” (Quran 4:34)

The role of fathers is similar to the role of the husband. In both cases, the man is Qawwam which means he is the head of the household. This position is a great responsibility which includes three main duties: leading, providing and protecting. Men are therefore responsible for leading their children, providing for their children and protecting their children from both spiritual and physical harm.

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” 

(Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 7138, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1829)

The man is responsible for leading the family. This means having a vision, laying down the rules of the household, enforcing these rules, and ensuring his children grow in a way that leads them to Paradise. It is a man’s job to ensure his children receive a good education that prioritizes their faith but also allows them to excel in permissible worldly pursuits. The head of the household is held accountable for the sins of those under his authority.

A man is also responsible to provide for his family. Men naturally spend more time outside the home, away from family, because the burden of provision is on them. It is a man’s responsibility to provide permissible sustenance to his family to the best of his abilities. He is not required to provide a luxurious lifestyle but simply a good life within his means. A man is encouraged to be generous to his family and to prioritize spending on them over spending on others.

The man is also responsible to protect his family. This means providing them a safe home in a good neighborhood. It also means being brave and strong and capable of physically defending the family if needed. Protecting the family also includes protecting the family from spiritual harm by educating children properly, and preventing them from gaining sinful habits at a young age.

The Rights of the Father

The father has a great status in Islam, secondary only to the mother. Because fathers spend less time at home, children will naturally spend more time with their mothers. Mothers invest more time and energy into raising children, this is why they have a higher status in Islam.

Abdullah ibn Mas’ud said, “I asked the Prophet SAW which action Allah loves best. He replied, ‘Prayer at its proper time.’ ‘Then what?’ I asked. He said, ‘Then kindness to parents.” I asked, ‘Then what?’ He replied, ‘Then jihad in the Way of Allah.'” He added, “He told me about these things. If I had asked him to tell me more, he would have told me more.”

(Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 1)

This hadith establishes the high status of the mother, but also the status of the father. Imam al-Bukhari mentions this hadith both in the chapter of the status of the mother, and the chapter on the status of the father. While it indicates that the mother hast he highest status in the eyes of the children, it also indicates that the father is a close second. There are many other hadiths that indicate the status of the father. The opening chapters of Adab al-Mufrad is full of narrations about the status of both the mother and father.

The father’s rights include that he is respected and appreciated. If you live with him as a child, then you must obey him as he is the head of the household. Once a person grows up and leaves the home, he/she must continue to treat his parents kindly, although blind obedience is not necessary at this stage. It is still highly recommended to honor his requests if they are reasonable. Parents, however, should be careful not to spiritually blackmail their children through their own status. Finally, once parents reach old age and are unable to care for themselves, it is obligatory to take care of them.

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet ﷺ said, “May his nose be dusted (i.e. may he be disgraced), may his nose be dusted, may his nose be dusted.” They said, “Messenger of Allah, who?” He said, “The one who lives to see his parents or one of them in old age, and (still) enters the Fire.”

(Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 21)

The Role of Fathers in Parenting

Because the father spends less time at home, he should make up by spending quality time with his family. Spending quality times with one’s children helps ensure that they grow into the best versions of themselves. It also helps build strong bonds of love between father and child that will benefit all of them for life. A father must make the most of his time at home to ensure that he connects with every member of the household.

A man’s primary role is to lead, provide, and protect. A man should provide all of his household members with a good life and treat them fairly and justly. This includes justice between wives, as well as children. A man should never show clear favoritism to one wife or one child over another. Providing one’s family with a good life allows the rest of the family to not worry about basic necessities so the mother can focus on parenting, and the children can grow up well. It is a father’s job to shield his family from these burdens and responsibilities, taking it all on himself.

A father must be a visionary. The head of the household must have a vision for his family. The rules of the home, methods of education, and family lifestyle should all be guided by this vision. A man must share his vision with his wife, so they can work together to ensure that the children grow up according to that vision. This is part of household leadership.

Parenting Tips for Fathers

Fathers play a different role in shaping their children’s personalities from mums. Mothers shower children with love, compassion, and attention. Fathers play a bigger role in pushing children out of their comfort zone, holding them to high expectations, pushing them to be the best versions of themselves, sharing with them the harsh realities of life, and preparing them for the real world. 

Here are some tips on how fathers can effectively fulfill their role in the household:

• Be their role model – Lead by example, be the man you want your sons to grow up to be. 
• Set Expectations – Make clear to your children your expectations for them, and show them how they can meet these expectations and grow into the best versions of themselves.
• Help them build confidence – Push them out of their comfort zone, make them do things that make them scared or uncomfortable, so they learn to overcome their fears, grow their confidence, and become the best versions of themselves.
• Build their resiliency – Talk with them frankly about the real world, its trials and harshness, and what it takes to survive and thrive in the real world. Tell them what they need to know, not what they want to hear.
• Teach them practical skills – Be their mentor. Teach them practical skills like fighting, driving, swimming, and DIY skills. If you have a business or a craft, teach it to your children.
• If needed, discipline them – Children may test boundaries. It is the father’s job primarily to enforce these boundaries by disciplining their children. The method of discipline would depend on the culture and family. The goal, however, should always be to teach them right from wrong. Avoid any method of discipline that may push them further into error or rebelliousness.

Modern cultures push the idea that fathers are useless idiots and not essential to the home. This has led to many children growing up with fathers, leading them down very dangerous paths. Fathers are essential for providing stability, leadership, expectations, boundaries, and a strong male role model. The role of fathers in the household should not be underestimated.

Source: Izzah Academy